Hurt

I need to cry

No, it’s not that I want to cry, or I’m feeling like it. I need it.

I need to let my soul burst into my eyes, helplessly. I feel like a box sealed with too many nails, impossible to crack open, impossible to let anything out, but about to explode.

Sewing needles trace patterns on the flesh, exposing a thousand roads where emotions should be able to travel, trying to separate the skin, to see if some tears can wriggle out. The only thing that manages to slink is the pain, but never the sorrow.

There are so many lies and so many truths I’d like to tell you. But I’ll let the silence hide in the sound of my casual conversation. There’s so much emptiness it would be impossible for you to fill it. There’s so much going on, I don’t think you’ll ever know how to handle it.

I think I held so many tears inside that now it’s impossible to let it go, as if the gates had become to rusty for a simple human to open them.

I keep on carving, it’s not the right way to let it go, but it’s the only way right now. I cannot control the world, I cannot control myself, my emotions, but that I can control, I can control the pain. I want to feel it, I want to feel something real, something human.

This is a journey, but more than a journey, it’s a battle. A battle with myself, and no one else.

Vamos, déjame sentir, déjame llorar, déjame sufrir, déjame encontrarme con la carne viva de mi alma, déjame saber que sigue viva, déjame saber que yo sigo viva, déjame saber que no soy invencible, déjame saber lo obvio de mi fragilidad.

Una lágrima casi cayo por mi mejilla, luego se arrepintió y regreso a su guarida, supongo que es una cobarde, así como yo. Anda, refúgiate, encontraré la manera de hacerte salir de ahí.