The world isn’t perfect, and it would never be. Love isn’t perfect, and in my opinion it is only misinterpreted oxytocin, but in that moment, that ephemeral and volatile space of time, we were happy. A little bubble of bliss that is destined to bust and vanish, a wave of joy in the universal pool of sorrow.
The terrible thing about flying is that when you come back to the ground level, it’s harder for you to accept reality.
It was a very interesting day, as you may all know I have some kind of deep-set fascination or studying people. Observing their behaviour, seeing how they interact with others and how they interact with themselves. On this case, the context was Valentine’s Day, or as many like to call it: Single awareness day.
I would like to say that I am single, that I have no ties or emotional dependence to a significant other, no need or obligation to give them a material symbol of my appreciation… but sadly I do. I’ve been trying to keep him as distant as possible, and to keep myself as detached as I could, but it’s basically impossible. I tried to keep it as Summer does with Tom: I do also believe that relationships are messy, people’s feelings get hurt and we’re young and free so we might as well enjoy it while we can.
As always, we fail on our emotional suppositions. I ended up baking a cake. It says, I care for you enough to get you something nice, but not enough to place a deep thought on an expensive gift. Most importantly, I did not make a card. I want no written proof of all of this. I want no statements.
Anyways, I helped some friends that were selling roses, heart shaped balloons and baked goodies for a fundraiser. Opportunity I also used to observe people as they walk by. Valentine’s Day does a number on people. There were coupley-doupley pairs walking with giant grins on their faces like if no one else around mattered. Girls walking around with rose bouquets, balloons and teddy-bears. There were those who bought roses for themselves, there were some that bought cookies to eat their loneliness, there were even some that plain straight yelled that we were Satan for perpetuating such a terrible holiday.
I have mixed feelings towards Valentine’s Day. My happy and artificially naïve self likes to believe in the good feelings and intentions of humans, regarding valentine’s day as an excuse to celebrate and show the people you care about… well, how much you care about. On the other hand, is a terrible manifestation of commercialism, why should you spend X quantity of money on someone if you don’t really want to, but it’s just some kind of obligation or social requirement you have to fulfill.
Most of my February 14ths have been quite forgettable, the most recent of them just being characterized by baking treats for my friends and staring as a confused expectation as I saw hearts break and souls mend, tears falling and smiles appearing.
February 14th 2009: I had my first “true” celebration of Valentine’s Day. I got my flowers, my date my significant other to call and wish a Valentine’s Day to. Later, I realized it was all an act, just a little part of his whole bigger plot.
February 14th 2010: I moved here. Everything changed. If you go by the definition of loneliness, that day was one of the loneliest days of my life. The next couple of months weren’t much better. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be here. It was just that I was scared. And I still am.
February 14th 2011: Oh well, you know the story. It was pretty honest, pretty simple, pretty nice and perfectly adequate. Oh shit. Not. Again.
Why this does always happen? Why the hell do we get attached to someone? Why do we end up needing they? Why do their reactions affect us? WHY DO THEY HAVE AN EFFECT ON US?
I didn’t ask for this, I did not sign up for this. I do not have the soul, the heart or the time for this. I don’t think I’m capable of breaking this off, there is no reason to do so, I know I’ll return begging to be taken back.
And here I am, awake at 2am, listening to music, typing this useless manifest of my mistakes.
I guess that it is noise, it is pain, and it’s this blues I’m singing again.
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I don’t like to use the word Love that liberally, but just refer to the song. It’s pretty powerful stuff. Whatever we decide to call love is not necessarily something good, but it’s definitely something else, something different, noise in our routine, pain that reminds us that we’re alive. And oh all those moments who makes us feel blue.
Nietzsche said that women make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. I think it is entirely true when applied to general human relationships
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I had almost forgotten my immigrant anniversary. When I was coming back to the ground suddenly I realized that there was something that was bursting out of my mouth. I had to say it.
-"I miss everyone. I miss everyone so fucking much."
-"Well you have me, you have new things"
-"No offense, It's not that I do not appreciate you, or that I don't like my new life. Is that I miss my old one so much"
Moments of silence, some mute tears rolled through my cheeks, he kissed me softly and looked at me quite puzzled. He sometimes acts in a condescending way towards me. I guess I am too much like a careless and weak child.
-"I guess I'll forever have that melancholy that characterizes those who left their motherland and left their old lives behind. Anyways, it was a very nice day. Happy Valentines day" I said while I whipped the tears off my face and grabbed my heart shaped helium balloon.
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